Torn to the Bone

I blog to provoke thought but this one is not very inspirational so if that is what you are looking for, skip this one. Today. I woke up at 0200 hours in prayer and immediately knew, sorrow was coming my way. Nothing new happened but the feeling loomed in the dark room hovering over me. I laid there in bed, taking inventory of my life. My life is good, I have three amazing children, I have a well-paid career, I ride horses and am learning horsemanship and training, my parents are alive, my brothers are great, and God has been good to me.

When the sun rose, I got ready for the day in a surprisingly good mood and when I came into work, I had a call and received news of a tragic circumstance. The event had nothing to do with me but showed a clear picture of the state of humanity. As I heard the report, I though, “Lord, what are we doing down here?”

Some days, I look around and all I see is sad faces covered with smiles under a smokescreen of words, “I’m fine.” This day was one of them.

Many live as if there is no pain and suffering but as I grow older, I see that its more common to have trauma than not. Tragedy is not unique in this world we live in but many live as if its nonexistent. I have helped many people sort out their life events but if I must be honest, today I realized that I have not sorted out my own. Events that have been burned into my brain since I was a young boy. I started to discover this about myself while watching a T.V series the night before. The show painted a picture of flashbacks of a main character’s childhood and indicated that the trauma he experienced was so intense that it poured into his adult life. The boy’s father poured a beer on his head. Yes, that’s degrading, but my thought was impure, that sit? Then, the main character’s wife, in the present, showed unwavering support of him in his lowest moments as he shared his story with her. A passing thought whispered; it must be nice to have that. Not in an envious way, but in a way of, are people in relationships really that supportive in this world? I wouldn’t know.

What is it about my life experience that has led me to these types of passing thoughts? Why is it that I can’t seem to resolve some things? I try to be open and talk to others, but then I quickly realize that many do not want the full truth. In my youth I came into the practice of giving bits of information at time to serve as a pressure release valve but never fully venting my system. Was this for the sake of the listener or was it because I feared how I would begin to view them by what I felt they lacked in response. I wonder what that would feel like, to express the deepest part of me and bee seen for all of me and to still be accepted and appreciated.

I have only confessed this to my Lord Jesus but to travelers of this world, I may not ever be able to. So, until then, I guess I will remain torn to the bone, smiling, and telling the world, “I’m fine.”